How can an Intended Parent offer support to their Surrogate?
By Hayley Aldis, Surrogate co-ordinator at My Surrogacy Journey
Support: (n) – a source of comfort or encouragement; (v) give comfort or encouragement to.
‘Support’ is a very personal term. What one person classes as supportive behaviour, another might find intrusive or inappropriate.
Talking to a set of Intended Parents for My Surrogacy Journey this week, Gina and I were asked, ‘How can we plan to support our surrogate?’ We each spoke through our own experiences of support and gave a little context as to the type of relationship we each had with our respective IPs. But then I came to thinking, there really is no ‘one size fits all’ for this kind of thing so I turned to some of my surrogate friends for their perspective in the hope that some of these insights would help:
Before
- Prioritise expenses – set up a standing order to ensure they don’t have to have the awkward conversation and ask for late expenses.
- Take time to fully understand your surrogate’s home and work situation. What are her other priorities? When is she ‘free’?
Contact
- Check in on the surrogate and her family regarding other matters – not just about your fertility treatment, testing, or pregnancy.
- Don’t disappear if/when things get tough. Maintain contact rather than withdrawing, or, if you need a little distance, say so and don’t be afraid of explaining why.
- Make the effort and attend appointments if that’s what you’d previously agreed.
- Be there for your surrogate if she has external life events happen during your journey too.
- Try not to be too needy, – no need for excessive calls unless that’s the way your relationship evolves.
Practical
- Send token gifts to let the surrogate know they are appreciated; flowers, chocs – even just a little notecard with some kind words means the world.
- Food! One of the most appreciated things is popping a voucher for take away over. Yes, some surrogates may have included this in her expenses but an over and above acknowledgement that says, ‘We can see you’ve had a tough day – put your feet up tonight,’ tends to go down well. Conversely, be careful not to misplace your judgement on this one and send a hamper of ‘healthy food’. Whilst on face value the gesture is lovely, the underlying message could be construed as ‘We don’t think your diet is good enough!’
- If your surrogate is unwell and you want to help, make a practical suggestion rather than asking, ‘Is there anything we can do?’ (as most surrogates will just reply, ‘No, I’m fine.’) Instead offer to batch cook some meals or come and take her children to soft play for the afternoon.
- Listen to your surrogate – let her offload about the big and small things. If you listen and remember, you won’t need to sweat the small stuff as she’ll probably have already told you!
Medical
- Trust your surrogate to make medical decisions for her AND baby; stand by her decision providing she’s informed and well researched. Try not to undermine her by siding with other medical professionals. One surrogate said, “Understanding that sometimes, surrogates aren’t just ‘being difficult’ but rather it’s more likely her experience or emotional wellbeing may be in the equation too.”
- Try to avoid pushing unsolicited medical advice onto your surrogate.
Other
- After baby has arrived, don’t abandon her. Of course, priorities change, but try not to drop off the face of the earth!
- Be your surrogates champion – positive affirmations throughout the pregnancy can really support a surrogate’s mindset.
- Be your authentic self – don’t be who you think your surrogate needs but have your own opinion and voice.
