The Perfect Match
By Kay King
I’m 37 weeks pregnant, and I’m carrying a baby for a couple I describe to the world as my perfect match. That phrase, perfect match, might sound romantic or idealistic, but for me, it’s deeply rooted. The bond we’ve cultivated and the relationship we’ve built together is one of the most important relationships in my life. I’m proud, honoured, and humbled to hold the privilege of bringing their child into the world.
One of the first questions people ask when I share that I’m expecting as a surrogate is, “Oh, for people you know?” I think they imagine I came into surrogacy already knowing who I’d be carrying a baby for – perhaps a friend or a relative. It probably seems unimaginable to someone outside the surrogacy world that you’d offer to carry a baby for a stranger.
My response is always the same: “I know them very well now but we matched through an agency at the start of our journey.” That answer usually takes people by surprise. It’s hard to grasp that my journey as a surrogate began separately from my journey with my intended parents (IPs). But that’s the beauty of surrogacy it’s a process of building trust, connection, and shared purpose from the ground up.
Is There Such a Thing as Perfect?
Let’s be honest: is perfect even possible in any relationship?
When we talk about a “perfect match” in surrogacy, we’re not talking about flawlessness. We’re talking about fit. About alignment. About shared values, mutual respect, and the ability to navigate a complex, emotional, and deeply personal journey together.
Perfect doesn’t mean easy. It means right – for you.
Navigating the Journey Together
Surrogacy is not a solo act. It’s a partnership. And like any partnership, it requires communication, negotiation, and clarity.
From the very beginning, we worked hard to understand what aspects of the journey belonged to whom. We talked openly about bodily autonomy, what decisions were mine to make, and how we’d approach conversations about the baby’s safety and wellbeing. We respected each other’s boundaries and made space for each other’s emotions.
Great communication doesn’t mean constant agreement. It means being able to talk through the hard stuff. To listen. To pause. To ask questions. To say, “I’m not sure how I feel about that yet,” and know that it’s okay.
We’ve had moments of uncertainty. We’ve had to revisit decisions. But we’ve always done so with kindness and respect. That’s what makes this relationship feel perfect to me, not that it’s without challenge, but that it’s built on trust.
Perfect Is Conditional and That’s Okay
Not every surrogate wants a deeply emotional or geographically close relationship with their IPs. And not every IP wants that either. For some, a more transactional or structured arrangement is the right fit. That doesn’t make it less valid it just makes it different.
Perfect is about conditions as well as closeness.
Some surrogates prefer a journey that’s paced slowly, with lots of time to build rapport. Others are comfortable with a faster timeline. Some matches work best across borders, where international arrangements offer the right legal or logistical framework. These choices shape the relationship, and they shape what “perfect” looks like.
For me, emotional connection was important. I wanted to feel part of something bigger than just the pregnancy. I wanted to know the people I was carrying for, to understand their hopes and fears, and to feel their joy alongside mine. That’s what made this match perfect for me.
But for someone else, the perfect match might be one where boundaries are clearer, where communication is more formal, or where the journey is focused primarily on the medical and legal aspects. And that’s okay.
Tips for Assessing Your Own Match
If you’re considering surrogacy. whether as a surrogate or an IP, here are a few things I’ve learned that might help you assess your own perfect match:
Know What Matters Most to You
Before you even begin matching, take time to reflect on what you want from the relationship. Is emotional closeness important? Do you want regular contact? How do you feel about shared decision-making?
Draft Your Intentions Agreement Early
Even before you match, you can start drafting a version of your intention’s agreement. It doesn’t have to be final but having a framework helps you clarify your values and expectations.
Be Clear on Your Non-Negotiables
What are the things you absolutely need to feel safe, respected, and supported? These might include birth preferences, communication styles, or post-birth contact. Be honest with yourself and with your potential match.
Consider the Whole Journey
Think beyond the pregnancy. What kind of relationship do you want after the birth? Do you want to stay in touch? Attend milestones? Or would you prefer a clean transition? There’s no right answer only the one that’s right for you.
Trust Your Gut
Matching is part science, part instinct. You’ll know when something feels aligned. And you’ll know when it doesn’t. Listen to that.
As I approach the end of this pregnancy, I feel a deep sense of gratitude—not just for the experience, but for the people I’ve shared it with. My IPs are no longer strangers. They’re part of my story. And I’m part of theirs.
The perfect match isn’t about perfection. It’s about connection. It’s about finding people who see you, hear you, and walk beside you through one of life’s most extraordinary journeys.
And if you’re lucky, like I’ve been, it’s about building a relationship that allows both surrogate and IPs to feel into their own sense of perfection.
